#sometimes I realize that I truly am crazy bc this

[clowningcrows]

sometimes i feel little sad it took me nearly 23 years to fully realize that i’m a trans guy for so many reasons but also. i’m just so so happy to have realized it at all, yknow? like. idk. i just spent so much of my life hating myself and being uncomfortable with some aspect of basically every facet of myself and my identity and for the first time in my life… i actually don’t really feel like that anymore. i mean, yes, the self esteem issues haven’t gone away and yes im still very uncomfortable with myself and my body sometimes (shoutout dysphoria) but like. the sudden increase in comfortability in my body? the way i dont just want to strive to take up as little space as possible anymore? the way i get excited to put on clothes that affirm how i feel rather than hide my entire self? the nervous excitement i feel at the prospect of hopefully starting t soon? like holy fuck… i feel like im actually living my life a little instead of just surviving for the first time ever and it’s just… very very cool

[bunnyboy-juice]

spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner

[whoblewboobear]

Sigh.. alright. I’m back in my Tucker simp era. The Quicker fic + the model pictures really got my ass together.

He still pisses me off and if he wants to go he can go but like.. Tucker pls don’t go I need to see where this Quinn thing goes bc why tf do you keep touching on him like that if you DONT wanna rearrange his guts?????

[6mayhem]

but i would give anything for just one day spent in the life i had when i was 15. it may not have been perfect but i felt like i belonged somewhere. and i didn't worry so goddamn much about the big picture

[sout999]

adhd talk

the third truly unsung project alongside my film and dissertation was the weird amount of targeted effort i had to put into Completing Anything Big As A Neurodivergent Person Whose Brain Is A Crazy Off The Rails Train Staffed and Patronised Entirely By Multiple Exact Copies Of The Squirrel From Ice Age

which is a description like 99/100 people reading this can relate to, but i think a sentiment i see less often and therefore feel kind of stupid and stubborn and lonesome about is "adhd is innate but is also exasperated by hectic lifestyle/modern instant gratification machines so if i fix my habits around those i can cure myself forever". which is silly and wrong but also i feel abit disconnected from adhd social media culture and cant cope just relating to it (which is all it seems to be sometimes) but learning to harness or tame it to do the things that are really important to me

i felt really cringe tbh having to look up youtube videos of HARVARD STUDENT REVEALS PRO STUDY TRICK and then narrowing it down to specifically adhd-focused study videos and keeping a planner and setting aside specific time to study studying and practising anti-academic meltdown journaling techniques and reading fucking atomic habits but i really didn't want to contribute to my abhorrent academic record following me all through undergrad. in fact i wish i had done this sooner but i was not self aware enough to consider the fact

probably the best change i made was severely cutting down or being mindful of social media time, i don't backread my tl anymore and have more moments of awareness when i find myself dumbly scrolling and realize i dont want to be doing this, and then wondering what i actually Do want to be doing. i keep a book nearby to read, and have also swapped a lot of social media time to sketching-off-pinterest time. reading about the psychology behind social media apps is also super interesting, although i always feel like a paranoid wacko conspiracy theorist talking about it. stuff like how negativity and judgemental behaviour is good for engagement (and therefore ad revenue), and how if all posts on your tl were interesting you wouldn't be as addicted to social media as you are, therefore microblogging employs a slot machine/gacha system where you "roll" for posts by logging on and hope to get a good one. it's a little full on but the more i think of it as a revolting and evil machine the more incentive i have to do something else with my time ^q^

a harder thing to do was, in the late stages of the project, the real crunch time month, avoid everything that could become a huge hyperfixation, and then eventually even minor distractions or fixations. because i know if i got super obsessed with something i'd just be up posting about it or drawing fanart. i had to bar myself from persona 3 remake and elden ring dlc and all these other shiny new releases, and the mobile games i was playing... i look forward to catching up on them now. i took up reading books a lot more because unfortunately thats just not as exciting. in the last month of film work i stopped listening to music on my computer so i wouldnt get drawing or animation ideas to distract me from film work. as of writing this i havent listened to music in like 40 days guys ���� at the same time i am the kind of person who needs background noise to work, so i have:

watched novum's four hour hereditary video essay three times

watched novum's seven hour midsomar video essay three times

watched that one five hour bojack horseman retrospective twice

listened to audiobooks of the Britney Spears biography, Jennette McCurdy biography, three Playboy Bunny biographies (i was on some sort of lady bopgraphy kick i guess), and a few fiction books

rewatched all of bojack horseman

started on House MD and got a few seasons in before i finished the project, amazingly the perfect show to look away from bc of all the medical stuff, how many lumbar punctures do you need to show like seriously

honorable mention to the learned skill of communication and being honest and picking your battles and killing your darlings which is a larger part of managing mental illness than i cared to admit but one of the hardest ones because it involved confronting things and making big painful drastic changes and then having to tell the faculty about them. sometimes i'd be stuck on a piece of animation work for weeks/months, then go back and change the underlying idea to one i'm actually passionate about, and do the animation work in one day using newly found magical hyperfocus passion power. it's crazy! but being able to be confident about taking those steps rather than keeping on with what you're "supposed" to do went a long way.

i very much look forward to listening to a music and playing some video games properly now and being pulverized like a small victorian child from the sheer amount of fun i'm having. i'd say it was all worth it and a fun experiment in channeling the magical humours of passion and boredom and i hope it will help me with future projects too. i Am super burnt out though x__ x thanks for reading and for all your support up until now!

[pansy-picnics]

in one of ur order posts you mentioned cass and lance understanding each other and I am VERY interested to hear ur thoughts. I always thought those 2 would have a fun dynamic...

AUGHHHHH YES THANK YOU I THINK SO TOO….!!!!!! Idk it’s kind of a mess when i try to put it into words but it’s like…something about them both being in the “shadow” of rapunzel and eugene respectively. they just both handle it very differently…bc lance i feel is always looking out for others and it leads him to neglect himself a lot, but when he really looks into it and he sees eugene’s growth and how he’s come into his own…how he’s found his roots and even his father….as happy for him as he is lance can’t help but feel a bit bitter sometimes. it’s the secondary character syndrome yk!!!! lance just hasn’t really reached a “breaking point” like cass has because he’s trying to manage it in a healthier way…he’s trying to make a life for himself with what he has and he’s realizing he likes things a lot as they are. but that doesn’t make that grief of what he wish he could’ve had just go away….so when he does confide in someone abt those feelings nobody rlly gets it more than cass does. and more than anyone else LANCE is the one who truly understands why cass did what she did.

this little fic of them is very important to me... this one is also one i think about a lot. it’s hard to find lance fics in this economy. :( i like to think they bonded a little leading up to destinies collide, not enough for cass to change her mind about leaving but enough to give them both some food for thought you feel me…..they both just have this unspoken Understanding with each other, and they both admire each other a lot. the shenanigans cass lance and eugene would get into would also be SO silly so it’s a shame we never really saw them interact </3

cass seems to be inherently drawn to the golden retriever type anyways whether she likes it or not so i’m sure lance and rapunzel drag her out on day trips all the time. she and lance gossip together and stuff yk...i think post series she’ll often still go out of the kingdom for work trips (in my head after settling with rapunzel she works as an ambassador for corona, mostly just to be able to get out more while still helping raps), and sometimes in the middle of the night as shes on her way back she’ll stop at his place in old corona just to steal food from him. leaves him a horribly written note and a cool rock or something. like. “Took a piece of the pie in the oven. There were already slices taken out so I figured it’d be fine. Oh I’m back btw. Not dead yet”

they also play pranks on eugene together ALL the time and this is canon actually i made the show. lance can honestly get her to do anything if he can convince her it’ll annoy eugene somehow /hj

ALSO LANCE BEING A WINGMAN FOR CASSUNZEL IS SOMETHING I NEED SOOOOO BAD AND I CANT BELIEVE NOBODY’S THOUGHT OF IT BEFORE. Like honestly i think if she were to tell a single soul about her hopeless crush it would be lance. i think he’s the only one who would be normal about it and keep it a secret tbh. lance just keeps randomly trying to put them in Situations together and cass is getting really suspicious that he’s doing it on purpose but she doesn’t REALLY have any actual evidence so she can’t say anything and it’s driving her crazy. rapunzel is just like “Cassss don’t be silly ur overthinking it ^_^” (shes lying to herself)

IDK. I THINK THEY’D HAVE SILLY SHENANIGANS AND THEY MAKE ME EMO TBH. The secondary characters always cursed to live in someone else’s shadow…..finding solace and friendship in each other………..Though one is sidelined for a much more obvious reason than the other (cough cough RACISM) but its Fineeeee its fine i’m normal about it😁 /s

[phoebehalliwell]

melinda warren meeting all of the CO's children?

ooh okay this is tricky because if we're here like yippee we're wiccaning someone like yayyy this is chill or We Need The Origin Of Our Bloodline Here Stat. personally, i think for wyatt, maybe also chris, lil bit for melinda/pj/kat/tam but ehh. i think melinda warren is kind of like that really cool aunt. like she's only ever over for wiccanings so they only get to chat on special occasions idk maybe when the veil is thin on all hallow's eve the girls summon melinda to help teach them the olde ways or whatever so like. for wyatt at the very least melinda is always a welcome presence and a big hug, she's like the family member you look forward to catching up with at the gathering.

melinda and chris first meeting would actually go crazy if it was the dark future and it was something to do with the bloodline idk chris has to go back and melinda is overcome by how much he kind of is what she wants prudence to grow up to be a smart, capable witch, discreet, but not cowardly, no, so brave that you would risk everything to save the ones you love. and i think chris having piper died when he was still pretty young to get an ancestor's I Am Proud Of You And I'm So Glad Our Lineage Culminated In You would fully rewire his brain. he would come back a different man.

melindaH i think it would be super cute if she accidentally summoned melindaW without knowing and spent the day getthing close to this new girl who transferred in from community college in salem (wow! so cool!) blah blah blah and it's revealed at the end it's actually melinda warren!

cupitches would be the narrative where we confirm that Matthew The Warlock is indeed prudence's father and that is why the warren line has always had their flirtations with the dark side! we could in fact confirm that maybe matthew did love her but one of them broke some sacred rule some magical law causing a backfire on someone's spell or something and it reverted matthew to and Evil Warlock... he did it because melinda had a premonition of herself burning at the stake... so he did some ancient dangerous magic to make him stronger and protect his family... but it backfired and made him email. evil. i'm keeping that typo in there that is a true freudian slip. anyways maybe lessons we learn here maybe one of them learns you cannot protect your family by always going on offence (cough cough parker) maybe someone learns sometimes love is in fact not enough to save someone (pj) and maybe a third unnamed sister learns you can never truly outrun your destiny. (peyton.) anyways we can also retcon the three sisters melinda Specifically saw were pj parker and peyton lol. i don't think it would be received well but god it is tempting.

tamora i think i would send back in time and i would have her have to guard a twelve year old girl who she does not find out is melinda warren til the very end and throughout the episode like melinda's like wow i'm so glad i have to cool and capable powerful witch to help me bc otherwise i would sure die and the entire time tam's like fuck fuck ohmygodd fuck shit fuck aaaahhh!! anyways. helps tamora realize she is cool and capable.

henry jr i would like for her to meet in the present idk what they'd do together but it'd probably have to be a b or c plot because it would just wrap up too quickly they'd be way to capable together. could be a good episode where henry is really feeling disconnected from the family.

kat i might want to do past lives. idk who she'd be or how she would act with melinda. it might actually be funny if they kind of had beef. all of these have been to positive maybe it's time to get some haters up in here. maybe kat's avoidance issue clash with melinda's fiery fight for what's right energy? maybe vice versa. maybe kat wants to save a witch from burning but melinda knows she can't do it without risking exposure for all of them. maybe both...... kat has been known to run but her lover has been caught. melinda has seen the future and knows the only way for their coven (??) to survive or something is to not intervene. kat does tho (in a way no one realizes) (she soul swaps with her lovers so she can live on while kat burns).

[babiefries]

you answered that ask i sent about urb being a sweetheart perfectly & i agree 100%. also feel free to continue as much as you want, never apologize for continuing your thoughts! i have some below.

i think urb is the type to not believe in soulmates, but he meets u and then he can’t deny it, knows they have to be real. he felt his world shift when he met you. you’re so unbelievably special to him.

but also imagine him not knowing or realizing how much better/intense/etc sex can be when you’re absolutely in love & truly connected to the soul to someone until he’s with u. he feels insatiable all the time, fucking is so good and like nothing he’s ever experienced before, and it’s bc u both just feel so connected to each other. when u look into each others eyes when ur fucking it ends up being the most intense orgasm u both have had. and it’s similar with other close and intimate positions.

but when u start fucking without condoms its almost like another shift. it’s unreal how good it feels for both of u, it’s so intense and you can feel the soul connection between you both so powerfully. but urb feels so fucking good fucking u raw he can hardly handle it. like the best high he’s ever had.

he’d be insatiable when it comes to you. he just wants to make you feel good, like that’s his main priority. ofc he wants blowjobs and to fuck u and such but u have to cum on his face first almost every time. and fuck……with that scruff it would feel so good. makes me clench thinking about it.

and he just loves eating pussy so fucking much…has to have it on the regular. cause 1. he loves making u feel good but also 2. his main motivator is that u taste so fucking good on his tongue he just wants. loves tongue fucking u and making out with the pussy essentially and hearing those moans from u knowing he’s the cause. makes him so fucking hard he probably could come from that tbqh, especially when u start riding his face, he just accepts his fate that he’s gonna come untouched from that.

but yeah he’s a romantic at heart and also knows u inside and out, knows every favorite and least favorite, every goal and every fear, all the things about u. so he knows exactly what would cheer u up, motivate you, make ur bad days better. (i want something now about him helping his girl thru a bad day 🥺)

and u never meant to tell him everything, but it just kinda happened. u just felt so safe with him the one night u were talking that it just kinda tumbled out. also means he knows the best things to do for you romance wise and it always catches u off guard cause he’s that good at it.

i really love the idea of being each others safe place. u have always told him the safest place u feel is being wrapped up in his arms and he also just becomes ur safe person. it goes both ways too, urb knows he can tell u anything without fear of judgement or anything and he probably would end up telling u things that maybe jack wouldn’t even know. and imagine jack would want to get to know u so bad bc he needs to know the girl that took his best friends heart.

also yes i think he’s gonna be so goofy with his lover omg, she probably jokes that she can’t stand him but the look in her eyes says it all.

am confident urb would share his weed with her all the time, loves smoking and getting high with his baby.

also yes i agree he’s planning dates all the time around his crazy schedule and sometimes u go on dates while he’s traveling cause it’s a priority of his. and he always sweeps u off ur feet so to speak cause it’s just. he’s so good at it. but every date has a photoshoot. has multiple files of pictures of u. some before the date with just you then with him, some fit checks, a ton of off guard pics and also rated r pics.

would have post orgasm pics where u look absolutely fucked out, ones from during, with new sets of lingerie. actually he would probably do boudoir type shoots of u a lot, he has sooooooo many ideas.

def agree he’d look at her like she hung the stars and the moon. (would take her camping i bet too so they can watch the stars 🥹) she’s everything in his eyes, like his whole world tbh.

jack would want to get to know her so bad. urb would prob hide her away from everyone cause he wants her all to himself in the early months but eventually jack gets to a point where he feels like he needs to meet the person who’s stolen his best friends heart. ofc jack would love her cause she makes urb so fucking happy, but i think that they would be able to bond super easily regardless.

i’m glad you agree he’s a sweet boy, i believe in it so strongly. did not mean for this to be this long i just started and kinda couldn’t stop. 🫣

also — a note at the end. urb would slay at the met gala tbqh

Wow I agree with all of this word for word especially with Jack wanting to meet the girl that got his bestie so wrapped around her finger.Like when/if urban is finally in love and it’s in the early stages I can definitely see him being a bit on guard being that he is a now very well know photographer for his bestie jack that someone would try and take advantage of his liking towards them to benefit their selves into getting closer to jack.But as time goes on he sees that you really have true intentions at the start and are there for him in the long one and that his feelings are important to you that you wanna build a strong relationship.And Ik that other people are gonna have there opinion about how urban is with women being as some people like to be too in his business for a person they do not personally know at all but with what we have seen over time urban looks like he knows how have a good time for himself and others around him,he just seems like he brightens up the room with his banter and that the more that you get to know him that he can show you a side of him that’s more reserved for people he keeps close to his heart but also you’d get to see the side of him that loves and cherishes you so much.Like I said before once urban finds his person it’s game over like that man is locked in for life! Whether or not he has his relationship public people are gonna know that this man has someone waiting on him at home that not anyone can compete or compare to in his eyes✨😌I also feel like if he is a bit public about it that he’s definitely just gonna like spam post her randomly then go back to regular program 😂😭like there will not be a time when he ain’t letting his girl shine and have her moments like she literally got a professional photographer as her man he’s getting every angle and making sure his baby look good okay💅🏽😌

Urban would absolutely love smoking and just vibing with his girl(me personally I don’t smoke but I think I would dabble in the future)like I can imagine how goofy y’all would be together just high and being in the moment with each other and having one of those like “moments” where everything just feels so right like the universe is at a stand still and it’s just you guys ora coming together and making you feel whole with each other.

Sex would just be a whole new experience for y’all feeling that type of intimacy of being so close together like y’all are becoming one soul with to body’s and it’s just so intense that you both just get so lost in the feeling and how wonderful it is.

I would try and write more but my brain is just so distracted and I can’t focus on one thing😭but I think our boy Urban is and absolutely sweetheart and a romantic when it comes down to his future person he would buy her the entire galaxy if he could

[hex-rex]

arcane, scarlet hollow, aos, and bg3 for tha fandom asks!

THANK YOU THANK YOU 😁

putting it under a cut cuz itll be long

Arcane:

Favorite Male Character

Ekko! All the men in that show suck besies Ekko, Vander and Silco so that was NOT a hard decision 😁

Favorite female character

I wonder. Who that could be. *glances at my pfp* I truly dont know. *glances at my popular tags* I have no idea. (ITS JINX!!)

Least favorite character

Jayce and his little nerd friend. Characters are WHAGEVER but the fandom is so annoying over them I can no longer stand them. Also that little MUPPET.

Favorite ship

Caitvi! Also easy choice cuz there arent really any ships I enjoy that much in the show.

Favorite friendship

Jinx and Ekko! I actually enjoy them as friends more than I do lovers.

Favorite quote

Its actually my queue tag lmaoo, "You're Perfect" bc it just hits hard EVERY time.

Worst character death

AUGH. SILCO. Heartbreaking everytime 💔 character death was actually very good but I'm taking 'worst' to mean 'saddest.'

This made me sososo happy

Absolutely no joy can be retrieved by watching this show. You will be beaten up. The director will come find you and kill you slowly. (I actually really like the intro scene in the first episode when theyre stealin and theiven)

Saddest moment

Hard question because there are. many. Scenes to choose from, but Vi punching Powder is up there, along with the tea party scene and the oil and water scene.

Favorite location

Well there are two. But I like the underground more 😁

Scarlet Hollow:

Favorite Male character

You never realize how little male characters there are until you think about how little male characters there are. My real favorite in my heart of hearts is Dustin the Possum, but I also like Wayne because. Well. He's neat♥️

Favorite female character

HARD question they have so many good charas but my favorite is Tabby. Mean old grumpy cousin❤️ (and also Grechen. Of course:))

Least favorite character

THAT OLD LADY SIBIL!!! MAKING MY DRINK THE TEA. LOCKIN KANEEKA AWAY. OLD WOMAN!!!!!

Favorite ship

Stellabitha or whatever there ship name is!!! Love me some lesbian denial.

Favorite friendship

Avery and Stella !! Very underrated duo. (Also using this as an excuse to say Avery is my favorite, despite not being able to say that anywhere else)

Favorite quote

SCREW YOU AND YOUR PEANUTS!!!

Worst character death

I actually only got one. SO. Im saying Gretchen because she CAN die even tho I never let her 😁

This made me sososo happy

THE SCENE WHERE YOUR DRINKING CREAM SODA WITH TABITHA!!! YAYAYAY!!

Saddest moment

Technically I didn't get this but the scene where your burning Reese alive???? Is so sad?????

Favorite location

I like Oscars haunted house quite a bit. And the diner :D

Aos:

Favorite Male character

FITZ!!!! Autistic little man who may have some dead braincells 😁

Favorite female character

SKYE!!!! Autistic little woman who may have some attachment issues 😁

Least favorite character

Truly a hard question to answer bc there isn't anyone I dislike that much, but I suppose Ward? He is a really interesting character though and I enjoy how he breaks the typical trope.

Favorite ship

Hard to answer cuz there arent alot of great ships unfortunately! But I am officially rooting for FitzSimmons 😁. I have to admit they're cute, I take back what I said before 😞

Favorite friendship

Fitz-Skye. The parallels between them and Ward is crazy. I als really like Simmons-May.

Favorite quote

Hard to answer AGAIN cuz this show has a lot of good one-liners but currently I like 'sometimes a miracle can be born from an accident' or whateva it is!

Worst character death

RAINA!!!!!! SOBBING AND SOBBING AND SOBBING.

This made me sososo happy

Ward getting beat to death 😁

Saddest moment

So far, Fitz drowning himself for Simmons and also Skye visiting her father at the vet clinic 😩

Favorite location

I really liked the inhuman sanctuary!!! Great season all in all.

Bg3:

Favorite Male character

WYLL!!!!

Favorite female character

Least favorite character

ORIN!!!!

Gale. Chris started giving headcanons on his lesbian hating and now I can't stand him .....

Favorite ship

Karzelheart or whateva it is! KarlachXlaezelXshadowheart 😁

Favorite friendship

Astarion and Shadowheart!!!!!!! Mean girl elves with white hair.

Favorite quote

THE🔥FULL💯CONCENTRATED😑POWER📣OF‼️THE🫵SUN☀️🌞⛅🥵🔆♨️🔥🌶️

Worst character death

ORIN!!! AAAAAARGH ORINNNNNN

This made me sososo happy

THE SWIM SCENE WITH SHADOWHEART IS SO CUTE!!!!! Also Karlachs first romance scene !!!

Saddest moment

The conversation with Karlach right after killing Gortash hits me in the guts everytime :(

Favorite location

Idk if this counts but I really like all of act 3. Very fun 👍. Real answer is the carnival tho 😁

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream. It’s 😵‍💫 anon again.

I actually haven’t been on here in a bit bc I was tired & embarrassed of spreading my misery lol. So much has went on with my life since my last message on Thanksgiving. It’s been going as it always does. I fell into the law of assumption trap again last week. I saw in a response to an anon, you said that a lot of us have trauma from the law, which is true. Every time I go back to it, I regret it again haha. It’s such a heavy subject. I watched Sammy Ingram. I tried to force it again. I just knocked some sense into myself an hour ago, “girl, what the hell are you doing?” I know how it ends every time. I’m caught in this place of not understanding if the magic truly is out there or if I’m wasting time. The last of my teen years were spent with trying with the law. I fell flat every time. Although I’m nowhere near okay right now, I still reflect on how painful the journey of the law had been for me. I’m just asking myself if I want to keep feeling the lows of it. I don’t, but without it, what will I do? I have some many dreams. If I were to cut it loose and say “I’m okay if this doesn’t happen”, it would never happen. I needed the law to work. I say NEEDED simply because it gets tiring. Tiring to a point that the desires feel bitter now. I think that is why the community has died down. It’s tired. I’m not sure what put it in some of our heads that we have to make ourselves miserable just to reach. It’s sad to think about. I was a child stuck in this loop. I found subliminals. I haven’t been normal since then. This is a sad tale, but I hope other people can break free from it. Too many are stuck, me included. In some way, law of assumption coaches are stuck too. Your page is a place to become unstuck.

After that coming to my senses moment earlier, I actually felt lighter letting go of the forced affirmations again. I’m not okay, but I think everyone can understand how heavy the law can feel on your back. Now….I’ve just sat with my negativity. I don’t know what to do with it all. I always look to find someone else who is feeling like I am, but I truly don’t want anyone to. I hope everyone who has been negatively affected by the laws can recover. It truly is crazy. I wonder if there will be a documentary on Netflix one day. “Surviving the Laws” lmfao.

I didn’t have a main point for this message. Your point just brought up some words in my mind…. like yeah, we’ve been traumatized. 😂😂😂

I hope you’ve been doing well, Dream. How’s life going? Happy New Year btw!!!!

hiii lovely 😵‍💫 anon

ahh i remember when sammy first blew up and uh.. yeah. def glad that didnt last hahahah i wouldnt ever rec her to anyone knowing what i know now, but i get it. sometimes we fall back and that's just normal and not a big deal.

this really stood out to me though, "if i were to cut it loose and say, "i'm okay if this doesn't happen," it would never happen." hmmmm this is very far from the truth. and the hard realization is realizing... you not cutting it loose hasnt made it happen either. :/ the law is extremely paradoxial and until we surrender to that fact, we continue to struggle and struggle. fighting and wanting and wanting and wanting. and never making it pass the phase of wanting, or even if we do, we quickly find ourselves back in the wanting phase again because that is what it is. if we cannot stop wanting, if we cannot stop hoping something will happen for us to finally be happy... then we keep waiting for that day we can finally be happy. this is maybe the hardest part in all of this. allowing the paradox. that when we actually cut loose and stop needing whatever to pass, that is when it happens. when we could enjoy life, even just a little, with the very little that we have in front of us, the thing we wanted most appears. sometimes we have to create our own magic, not continue waiting on life to bring it to us.

i understand you entirely when you say you get tired, and the desire feels bitter. because ohmygosh that was meeeee. at some points, i became entirely resentful towards what i had thought i wanted the most. i also agree this is why the community has died down, and many are moving to a more non dualistic lifestyle bc its much more freeing than the manifestation trap. everything you're saying is so relatable to me a few years ago, and thats why i have remained on this page. to be some sort of source of help, to share my own journey and hopefully it can encourage and inspire others. :')

LOL but imagine. i think that would be a great documentary, bc seriously so many people would be able to speak out and it would be so relatable. and it would show people that there is a way out. we truly didnt find the law for nothing, it leads us to something greater eventually. the law was always meant to lead to the promise, you know ? so for that, its not all terrible. but its true that a lot of us hurt ourselves and traumatized ourselves a lot in the process, and it doesnt help that so many loa coaches at the same supported that kind of suffering.

anyway, thanks for popping in again !! i've been doing really well tbh, the new year is going really well. i've made some big changes in my life, like moving abroad and i'm already loving it but having to learn how to live somewhere completely new. the days are so beautiful here and lately and its the small things like that which just make me happy to be here <3

[pucksandpower]

hi natalia! i hope life has been treating you well and that you're doing amazing. i wanted to say, i love your account so very much! everytime i go through the f1 tags on here i'm alway searching for your username among the fics and safe to say is you have never ever disappointed me. when i first got into the fandom you were definitely one of the blogs that really hooked me in. oh girl you don't know how ecstatic i was going through your masterlist, i literally felt like i was camping in that one post going through everything in one night. still, even now i love going back and reading it again because that little spark of joy i feel clicking the links to every au is the reason i love to be on tumblr!

you never fail to deliver an insanely good level of world building like this is kind of surreal to me, because you give us such a fresh and wonderfully blissful take on social media au's. it's super cool to see you explore all types of medias like articles, blogs, twitter, instagram, youtube videos—i feel like you've used EVERYTHING girl. all your posts are sooo long and idt people realize how much work you have to put in to make a cohesive story like that?? + using all sorts of outlets ur an actual beast at this wow. and it's not just the way you deliver it, it's also all the ideas that you have. i'm a huge sucker for the deep lore ones that are like the ones involving racing teams and stuff. it's so great to see your takes on real time events and how it could've been if this or that happens. the readers are also of so much variety, i hope you keep doing that bc it adds a lot of potential and spice into the story. royal au is also sooo good! your account to me is basically girlhood personified. i'm always so immersed in it that i forget i'm reading an au... that really shows your effort in the work you put out. i can tell the time you spent crafting these pieces i mean WHO goes this far and wide if not pucksandpower?? ur the backbone of my mental health i would've gone in the trenches if it weren't for you... that's my mother ya'll. there is not one fic of yours that does not have me at the toes of my feet, all giddy to click the "keep reading" button. i wish for you to know that i, and i'm sure many others who follow you, really appreciate all the work you put in! i'm lowkey like suspicious with how real and professional some of the articles you make are bc how is that not something that would come out of an actual blog? 😭

AND OHHHMYGOOOD you are doing god's work for feeding my delusions on giving charles leclerc the team that he deserves. seeing the newey reader fic, that was when i knew you were ON to something like this girl is special she's doing all the research.. babe you could be the new damn chief tech officer if you wanted to i mean. you are operating in levels that we can't even comprehend?? one step ahead in everything. when i read your cl stuff in my heart i'm rooting for this man so bad and like if this isn't happening irl at least pucksandpower got my back like... you know what they say about delusions=manifestations so if we keep this up yall i believe it can be real trust me i've seen it in my head....

i'm sure there's a lot more that i want to say but anyways, i'm really glad that i ever found your blog and i look forward to future works you're gonna put out! cheering for you always and please take care of yourself, xx ❤️

Hi, my love! Thank you so much. I totally teared up reading this and I am not the slightest bit ashamed to admit it. Every single thing I post is crafted with love — I do it because I love working on them and because I love being able to make my fellow fans happy through my work. There truly is no more rewarding feeling. I have posted a whopping 119 fics/imagines/AUs on here and typing that number out really made me realize how crazy that is and how far I have come since I started this blog back in November

I can’t lie, sometimes the research and time I put into each of my works can feel overwhelming at first but I am always proud of the end product and especially happy to share it with you all. Some are lighthearted fun and I can have them completed in a few hours while others run deeper and can take me days upon days to finish. I truly want to build a mini immersive world through each of my AUs and I am so happy that you have been able to get that experience through them

Also I like to say that delusions make the world go round (and help keep us sports fans semi-sane) so I am more than happy to contribute on that end

Thank you again because your words mean so much to me! I can’t wait to share more work with you. Have an amazing day 🫶

[rollercoasterwords]

HI RAE OMG

so firstly the last chapter of atwmd was amazinggg like the wolfstar scene under the stars felt so tender my heart got split open. and the way sirius internally kinda realized that others actually understand the danger they're in and they still choose to trust james in order to defeat voldy?? and he thought maybe he was just a coward??? sirius nearly drowning and reg worrying about him? the stuff with lestrange? ahhh i love the way you write (i hope my girl lily is safe tho the stuff with the potion scared me out)

AND AND AND my housemate got me into supernatural last week and i. am. having. a. brainrot. what tf did they put into this show? siblings always get to me but the winchesters? and their dysfunctional family dynamics? dean's protectiveness gets me as having a younger brother and the way sam wants to get away and go to college despite his family gets me as well as a younger sister. i can see from both their views and it's raw and it's painful but also the way they only really have each other and the way they love and care, the desperate protectiveness and not being able to leave one another yet sometimes not being able to stay too. i just can't get enough

ANYWAYS hope ur okay and also hope the stuff with the hospital bill has been handled! have a gn!!

hello!! tysm so happy u enjoyed the ch <3 one thing abt me i love 2 have 2 characters stargaze & tell stories...love a little story within a story etc...unfortunately lily is not safe rn bc none of them are safe rn <3

and omg YAY supernatural convert...i've just started s8 rn it truly is. SUCH a crazy show. honestly better than i was expecting considering how much i've heard people talk abt how bad it is lol. so far my impression is that s1-5 were definitely the strongest (s3 was my fave) and i have not been as impressed w s 6-7....s8 not off 2 a very strong start either but i persevere...& yeah the brother relationship/family dynamic. SO good also i simply do think dean winchester may be the character of all time. whatever that may mean for us....

[trickstarbrave]

i am back with steren content in vivi's au again (from @mulberrycafe)

i didnt get to cover a lot about how vivienne feels bc this was pretty much just steren's perspective. and he is. he's not having a good time. i cant even imagine how helpless vivienne feels to know he's hurting but doesnt want to and wont listen to anything countering it bc hes. genuinely isolated and lost in a different world and thinks theres no place for him there.

there will be good things to come rn he's just suffering. he's a good boy, despite everything. but he'll get his love and comfort soon okay just wait

--

Steren learned he hated the cold. 

He thought he disliked it before when a cold wind would blow from the sea in northern Vvardenfell, but it was nothing like the chill you got on Solstheim. It was frigid, even in Redoran style buildings which tried to keep the freezing cold air out. 

A healer told him he likely had a naturally weak constitution to the cold; an unfortunately common thing for dunmer. Many could survive the cold so long as they had adequate shelter and warmth, whereas others would be shaking and develop hypothermia very quickly in any weather remotely cold, hence why so many remained on Morrowind’s mainland as overcrowded as it was.

Gods… Hearing the story of Red Mountain’s eruption only made this world stranger. Baar Dau supposedly fell and made the volcano erupt, where it still spewed ash and rock in the distance (when he could manage standing outside bundled up long enough). So much had changed… It had supposedly been 200 years or so since the Nerevarine prophecy was fulfilled. The Septim empire fell, there was an invasion from Oblivion--to be frank he still didn’t understand that, but made a mental note to pick up a few books on it--and probably more he’d hear about.

Vvardenfell was basically ruins. Refugees spilled out into Tamriel, and Solstheim was made an official territory of Morrowind. He had out of pure curiosity asked about House Hlaalu, and was told they were no longer a Great House and had basically been purged from Morrowind. 

It was… A strange place. That he couldn’t deny. A very, very strange world. 

Currently he was in the corner club--after being bundled in a few layers of thick wool and a heavy fur cloak by both healers and the hortator and his husband. The king of Morrowind tried to ask him to stay in bed and rest more, but Steren was getting stir crazy, and the healers assured him that walking around a bit would help Steren recover, so long as he stayed warm. 

Steren didn’t talk to people much. He was always told he was quiet, but he was even more so here. He wore a bandana to cover the star on his forehead (several of the citizens of Raven Rock gave him dirty looks and asked if he was a Sixth House cultist when he didn’t), and mostly just listened to other people talk while only half listening but giving the impression he was paying attention. A strangle blue khajiit told him stories from time to time, often repeating himself without realizing it, but more often than not it was a specific mer bothering him.

This elf wasn’t Vivec. He’d been corrected enough to know that, sometimes with fearful glances from servants at the manor as they did so. They warned him heavily that if he said that around the hortator and his husband they could cut his tongue out for the insult and transgression, and since then he had been careful with his tongue. Though talking to him revealed Vivienne was very different from Vivec in more ways that just a few differences in appearance. 

Vivec was… Distant. A bit cold. Sometimes indirect and obfuscating answers to the point of cruelty. It was impossible to tell where his lies ended and his art began--if Vivec truly believed what he said, or if he was saying what others wanted him to hear. 

For a time, in his first life, Steren considered Vivec a mentor figure. As arrogant as it was, the god seemed to show a particular softness to Steren. When he first went for answers he even thought Vivec might actually tell him; sit him down and explain his history and place in the world. Instead Vivec told him to stop looking for answers and shut up. To deal with his life and live in ignorance. Maybe it was out of fear Steren would want revenge. Maybe it was because he was genuinely trying to protect the boy. Steren didn’t know, and now he supposed he never really would. 

Vivienne though was… Different. Softer. Earnest. Nice, if he wanted to be charitable, though Steren tried to avoid people who he would describe as ‘nice’. ‘Nice’ in Morrowind was a red flag. Most people used seeming kindness and a pleasant attitude to manipulate outsiders and those who were unsuspecting, after all. Sweet words were so often followed by a knife in your back, a lesson he had learned so many times before. He’d been conned, stolen from, poisoned, and nearly killed by so many people he thought were nice. 

At the very least he didn’t think Vivienne was dangerous. At least, not a danger to Steren currently. From the stories he half listened too Vivienne seemed very powerful and wasn’t someone he wanted to get on the bad side of, especially not when he had very powerful allies, including the hortator and his husband as his mentors. 

“You’re… Oddly quiet.” Vivienne remarked. Steren--who was only allowed to drink tea after the hortator ordered no one in the corner club to serve him alcohol, though Steren couldn’t tell you why--sipped his drink. Maybe he’d pissed the king off, or perhaps he was worried Steren might drunkenly admit he was “Nerevar’s son” and the king wanted to avoid any rumors. Steren, if he was in Nerevar’s position, would also want to keep “illegitimate child from another world” a secret from the general public. Especially given he learned Nerevar and Voryn in his world couldn’t even have kids. That would be too weird to explain to the general public and would be best buried and never brought up again.

“I’m not sure what to say.” Steren replied, sipping his tea calmly. 

“It’s just,” Vivienne looked away slightly, “Typically you’d expect someone to give a reaction when you say you are practicing the Mephalan arts with their parents.” Steren didn’t really know a whole lot about Mephala except that she was the anticipation of Vivec. 

“I’m not very familiar with Mephala personally. Perhaps that’s why.” Wasn’t she the god of murder or something? It’s not like he cared if the hortator and his husband were teaching someone how to kill. It seemed pretty standard for dunmer culture. 

“... She’s the god of sex, murder, and secrets.” Vivienne admitted. Ah, maybe he was hoping to get a reaction from Steren with that? If it was something that would weird out someone to hear with their ‘parents’, Vivienne must be referring to the sex part of that explanation. 

“It’s hardly any of my business what you do with the Hortator and Hortator’s husband.” Steren wasn’t phased in the slightest. “And besides, they aren’t my parents, so it would be best if you avoided saying things like that about them publicly.” It was impossible to tell who might be listening in, after all. The corner club was mostly empty this time of day and they were tucked away in a secluded spot, but well… There could be eyes and ears everywhere. Last thing Steren needed was someone running through the streets tomorrow morning spreading half truths based on what they heard. He was busy trying to recover enough to get on a boat and leave this frozen island, after all.

An uncomfortable silence followed, Vivienne staring at him with at first confusion, and then something close to… Sadness? That didn’t make sense to Steren, but it was the closest emotion he could name. 

“They are your parents.” Vivienne insisted, his voice softer, trying to take on a gentle tone like one would coax a child. But to Steren it was just nonsense; this wasn’t a little lie you could tell him and have him play pretend with. 

“They aren’t.” Steren reiterated. “My parents are dead.” He sipped his tea again, not making a face despite how bitter and unpleasant it was. He made a mental note to just ask for water next time--it wasn’t poisoned, but it was nasty. The only reason he continued to drink it was because of how dry his throat was and how it kept his hands warm. “And it would be good to avoid saying things like that in case someone misunderstands.” 

“They might be dead in your world but they’re alive here.” Vivienne insisted, though he did try to keep his voice level. 

“They didn’t want me grow up.” Steren sighed. “They didn’t hold me as a baby. They didn’t name me. They don’t even know me, let alone love me.” 

They might have the same names and faces, along with some mannerisms, but that didn’t make them the same. They were strangers, as simple as that. Steren didn’t hate them or resent them--in a way he pitied their position. If they threw him out, they might anger Azura, and also didn’t want to be so callous towards someone they were told was their flesh and blood. Steren could tell they were trying, in bits and pieces. They had healers attend to him, gave him a bed to sleep in… Much more hospitality than the people of Morrowind usually showed strangers. But at the same time he knew they didn’t know what to say or do around him, hovering around him awkwardly. 

Perhaps, if given time, they could get to know each other. They could try and try to be close to one another and they could learn his mannerisms and history, to a degree. But Steren would rather avoid that; as sweet of an idea it might be, he knew he would begin to resent them. He’d resent that they didn’t know him well, couldn’t correct his memories, and didn’t have that shared history. He’d me more like an… Awkward younger brother than a son, at best. And trying in vain to replace his parents with imperfect copies would only break Steren more. 

“They do love you...” Steren resisted the urge to snap at the other mer, his eyebrow twitching. Instead, he bit his tongue, taking a breath to steady himself.

“No,” He replied, keeping his voice level, “They don’t.” Vivienne opened his mouth to counter him, but Steren continued. “They think they’re supposed to love a child that they were told they supposedly had, but that doesn’t make it love. That makes it an obligation.” It was the truth; a truth just as bitter as the tea he was drinking. His adoptive family in his first lifetime thought they loved Steren because they were supposed to, because a god told them to love and care for him, but that didn’t make it love. Eventually they resented him. Eventually they questioned why he was important in the first place. Eventually, without even realizing it, they shoved him out of his place in that family and house. 

“Azura dropped a new problem in their laps--a stranger they don’t know but were told they should care about.” It was, in a way, just a repeat of his first lifetime, except back then he was a young child who didn’t know any better and could barely remember his own father. Now he was an adult who could see just how unfair the circumstances were for everyone involved. Nerevar and Voryn never agreed to this, and Steren would have refused if he knew this would be Azura’s solution. “Do you think I wanted that? I wanted my parents. The ones who loved me.” The ones who chose to have him. The ones who struggled to keep him safe. “I wanted to be with my dad who spent thousands of years haunting my family line because he was afraid of leaving me alone. I wanted to be with my Ata who held me in his lap when he worked and named me so even if they couldn’t be open, my other father would always know I was his.” 

Steren had so many things he wanted to ask them. So many memories he wanted them to share. His birth, his first birthday, the first time ata took him to meet his ancestors at the family hearth… He wanted to listen to his dad sing him the lullaby he always did when Steren was hurt and alone, trying in vain to stroke his hair and reassure him. They could finally be together again, after thousands of years apart, as a family. No more madness, no more heart, no barriers between ghosts and the living. He wanted to hug both of his parents, in earnest, and tell them both he loved them. 

“... And instead I got... Strangers who lived different lives. Who could never have me even if they wanted to. Who never even thought about me until now, but are being asked to give me all the love and attention I wanted from my actual parents.” It was both cruel to Steren and cruel to them; how could this version of Nerevar and Voryn try to fill the gap his actual parents left behind? They couldn’t; it was asking too much of them to try. They had different stories and histories, different ways they lived their lives. You can’t just expect them to drop everything they’ve built for themselves and wedge a random fully grown dunmer in there as their ‘son’. Even if they did want a child, they should adopt one and love them from childhood instead, learn to bond with them and teach them in their own unique ways, rather than try in vain to live up to the standard of Steren’s without even knowing all they did. 

“I wanted to make up for lost time with them. And now I'll probably never see them again--they'll be stuck in the afterlife wondering where I am. What I'm doing.” That was his biggest regret in all this; if Steren had just waited, had just asked for something like a relic or money, he could have waited it out. He could have spent a few years traveling, made peace with his death all over again, and then ended it all. And then he’d be in Moonshadow properly, or the land of his ancestors, being embraced by his dad just like Nerevar promised. 

Instead, now Nerevar and Voryn would wonder for an eternity what happened to him and where he was. That welcoming embrace was never coming. 

They will never be able to tell him they love him again. 

“... I’m tired.” Steren quickly announced, getting up. Vivienne made a motion to stop him but he kept walking, partially limping. “I need to go lay down--sorry.” He apologized regardless, gingerly brushing off Vivienne’s hand. 

It wasn’t Vivienne’s fault either. No doubt to him his mentors were loving and compassionate people, but they weren’t Steren’s parents. Azura can try to say she technically upheld her end of the bargain all she wants, but they can’t replace Steren’s Ata and Dad. 

He took a deep breath in the cold air as he began his slow walk to the manor. He just had to hold out a little more. Just a bit more and he could get a boat and go somewhere else. Somewhere where he wouldn’t be reminded his parents were dead and he wouldn’t even meet them in the afterlife. Somewhere where no one knew the Nerevarine prophecy either, and he could disappear into a crowd. Somewhere he could start over and process his grief. 

But for now he needed to hold it in. Lashing out did no good; none of these people were his allies, sure, but they also weren’t his enemies. Just people in the same shitty circumstances; people he didn’t want to be around and who also didn’t want to be around him. Lashing out would only make him enemies of very powerful people and cause him more problems anyways. 

He just needed to keep his head down and wait.

[clowncloud]

hmm as someone who lives in a very minority white society black white race relations can be very interesting. i mean reality is i think unfortunately wherever the ppl are not homogenous there are multiple races there may be racism esp when it's in a british post colonial setting bc tht was their tactic. in my day to day idk yh sometimes i feel the "presence" of race in a situation but most times no i dont think i really do notice it. but in the larger international society racism is portrayed as mainly american and definitely white against black. realizing tht actually if i do move to/visit a majority white society actually yh race(ism) might truly be a culture shock for me. but yh i had to watch jay-z's 2013 picasso baby art performance film for class n it's making me think or race which weird bc it's not at all related to why we're watching it lol. i mean personally i dont know or myb rather remember what i know abt jay-z. but i know he's black he's a rapper he lives in america. im not familair with his lyrical content per se but to me the idea is tht rapping (esp) in america is a strong black culturak marker esp one associated with fighting back even tho i know all raps arent explicitly abt such themes it feels like to an extent american black rappers embody the we fight back black american attitude if tht makes sense. but then the video i deadass feel like the white ppl waiting to see him outnumbered the black which to me feels so crazy in a like what do you know abt jay-z? what do you know abt rap? what do you know about those lyrics? what do you know abt being black? and then it's like actually what do i know about any of those things also? literally less than they do. and he invited specific high profile persons to come into the ring with him a lot of them white. his body guards tpn the cops outside also white. n all im thinking is but they hate you? they hate your kind?? they want you dead??? it feels like disgust with him for being a traitor. which is interesting bc thts not how i view other or everyday interactions but in the video all i cld see was race. there's also the reality tht money n fame trump race at least to am extent at least sometimes, idk very thoughts but im falling asleep

[kiefbowl]

Would you elaborate on why you don't ID as radical feminist? Is it the ideology or the label?

sure, a little bit. for one, I don't feel I've done enough work, either actively or through reading, to call myself that for one thing. You could go back through my blog from years ago and probably find younger me much more willing to use the term radfem on myself indiscriminately, but younger me was also engaging online in unhealthy ways and although I think I always engaged with feminist posts in good faith and was never lying, I definitely found a foothold on "radblr" (which I only use in quotes bc it's not a very well defined space) that I learned how to "game" for attention during my early twenties at a time I was really unhappy and struggling to find fulfillment in my life. And by saying that, I'm not trying to repent anything or even be overly critical of myself, I think that behavior online is common for younger people, and there's an addictive quality to tumblr. The point is, you can be savvy and learn the parlance of humor quickly, bang out posts to get attention, then feed off the praise and attract, what should we call them...crazy clowns? you can attract some crazy clowns that give you more material to work with, rinse repeat etc. I want to be honest about that time in my life with myself, be reflective, and say to myself "okay, I learned a lot then, I made mistakes, I wasn't always honest with myself...now I'm an adult and I get to treat this part of my life even more seriously" with "this part of my life" being intellectual feminism, not tumblr. I'm willing to see myself as a neophyte on certain topics much more comfortably than when I was 22 or 23 or 24, and do so publicly. Well, maybe I've never called myself a neophyte publicly before, and I can probably give myself a little more credit than that, but in any case I had to check my ego and in doing so ended up shedding the "online radfem" identity and persona.

This shift in perspective began to happen when I changed from @aawb to @kiefbowl, which wasn't something I was entirely aware of. When I made the change, I had put myself into a short but dangerous fling with a man who used meth. This man sexually assaulted me several times (doubt he released it), and then some intense drama happened around him and my job, and truly I just fell apart emotionally and mentally. It wasn't the first time I had been in a dangerous relationship with a man and sexually assaulted, but it was the first time I had seen first hand what meth addiction looks like (and sometimes it's boring, and sometimes it's very intense and scary), and it was the first time I was able to contextualize it differently due to exploring feminism. With that contextualization, I was able to re-evaluate so many previous experiences that were less intense but still assault. I spent many years on tumblr championing abused women, speaking to abused women, telling everyone it could be any one of us, the same tunes I sing now, but I had still been some-how blind that all this included me. The brain is strange. While in my despair and crisis, I realized "I really am just a young woman, I don't know anything." I was able to shed my forced certainty for curiosity.

It was also around this time the cluster B gang (seriously can't remember their URLs now) was in full swing and then had a big fall. I can't remember the details, I just remembered feel sour about it. I think I was just ready to grow up. Growing up is slow but I was ready to say "ah fuck it I don't know" and build from there, a bit of a clean slate sort of I guess. Less pressure to know everything and accept studying feminism takes time, dedication, like any other intellectual pursuit.

Hope that helps.

[idealspawn]

so the guy im seeing came back from his trip. we met up yesterday. he told me we should stay friends. i guess its okay its just a bit weird. its funny bc i felt so bad about not liking him as much as he seems to like me. so i literally like. trained myself to get used to being real vulnerable w him. and meanwhile he, unknowingly to me, trained himself to get used to the idea of not having me present in his life the same way as i was up until now. its not too bad because it felt weirdly forced to me too at times but its like. i tend to push through that. i think of feelings like waves. i know theyre sometimes still there even when im disconnected to them. not that its like that for everyone but i dont think i believe in like soulmates for a while already. like i dont think youre supposed to feel crazy attraction right away and click right away and be comfortable w everything RIGHT away. that if sth feels wrong it might be that the situation is wrong not the persin as a whole. it just bothers be that he wasnt fully honest from the get-go. like that he said all was well when it wasnt. for me, being truly aware of eachother's raw perspectives is the thing that helps me move on, not trying to save me from hurt by withholding details bc my gut still tells me sth is off despite what he says directly, you know. he said he met up w his ex right before his trip and realized that neither me or his ex is what he wants. and that he shouldve started the convo w that but he was embarrassed. and that he feels like an idiot bc of that. he also kept repeating that he is really uncomfortable w talking abt emotions, that it will send him into a crisis. but if he wont talk abt them... i will go spiralling.. you know.. noone fucking wins. and he said he knows that so he did talk abt his emotions in a way after all after i fried him w questions to tell me abt things. i guess its maybe.. um.. good that he isnt my love interest anymore bc i really need someone who is okay with emotions, like really okay. i asked him to tell me wtf am i supposed to do now bc he has had all this time to think abt it but i havent. he is pretty self-aware. he said he knows it was a dick move to lead me on like that. but i guess i knew his approach to his past relationships so i cant blame him necessarily. its just that i used to be like him, thinking that a moment of disconnection ALWAYS meant that the feelings arent there anymore. which they sometimes arent but also a lot of the times its just a question of the perspective you look at relationships and feelings from. so i assumed he maybe too has changed bc i have changed and you know when i talk abt my past then i talk abt it.. as the past.. idk.. he also will move to brussels in not too long which is a weird ass turn of events. i guess its good he said it now as summer still lasts, i have time to adjust. its just that i literally planned him in my fucking plans already. nothing insane but i kind of assumed he would be in my life for a while more. though he still will be in my life because we will stay friends and stuff but i cant do it the same. like i cant give him as much time of my week. well i can but that wouldnt be us being friends.